Please, let me fuck your mom
I think I won the penis lottery.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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