Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
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Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
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No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.