When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
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I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
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I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.