she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
