im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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