We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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