Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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