They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
