I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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