my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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