My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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