Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
