doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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