Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
