Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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