I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
