I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
