i just google imaged poop.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
