Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
