i think my tv is drunk
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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