I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
