I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
