is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
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