remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
