Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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