I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
