You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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