i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
