just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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