Dude my mom stole all your condoms
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
