I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
