plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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