why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
