im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
