i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
