why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
