I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
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