I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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