did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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