I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
