can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
