I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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