I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
