I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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