Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
