Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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