someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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