if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
