Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I need to stop coming to work sober
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
