for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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