We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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