after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
