I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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