That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
