What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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