god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
