Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
