Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
