the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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