i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water