everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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